The Perils of Living in a Small Town

I live in a small town. And by small, I mean, small. So small that everyone knows each other’s names. So small that it takes 5 minutes to drive from one end to the other. So small your neighbors know your bathroom schedule. (Ok, maybe not that small, but you get my point.)

Now, I’ll admit it’s a great environment to grow up in, but there are times when it gets a little…annoying.

For instance, when I was learning to drive a manual transmission, naturally, my mother had me practice slowly on the dirt roads. Stalling out sucks, but it sucks a lot worse in a small town. Because it means you’re at the mercy of the natives…

I was minding my own business, trying to restart the stupid Honda, when I heard a knock at the window. Oh shit, I thought. I sighed, and rolled the window down. Should I turn the engine off? This can’t take too long right?

It did.

It was one of the countless old faces who have known me since I was “this tall!”. She burst forth in an explosion of clichéd sayings and anecdotes.

“My God, Chelsey, you’re driving?! Oh my goodness, dearie me, I remember when you were but a wee little baby! And now you’re driving, how time flies! I must be getting old!”

Can’t take too long, can it? I’ll leave the engine on. The end is in sight…

“Oh, it seems like just yesterday you were in the third grade writing a poem about the oak tree in my back yard. You were so sweet and innocent…”

There’s still hope. Lord, please let her finish quickly. I can totally leave the engine on, it’ll only take a few minutes.

“…I remember when I taught my little Johnnie how to drive, those were the days…”

I turned the engine off. and began to sing car songs in my head. 99 bottles of beer on the wall 99 bottles of beer, take one down, pass it around, 98 bottles of beer on the wall! 98 bottles of beer on the wall, 98 bottles of beer, take one down, pass it around…

“Did you know Johnnie got into graduate school at the University of Preppy-ville? I never went to college myself, but…”

84 bottles of beer on the wall 84 bottles of beer, take one down, pass it around, 83 bottles of beer on the wall! 83 bottles…

“…I got cable television finally, and my goodness, I am so excited about it! There’s this channel called Animal Planet. Have you heard of it? Did you know that giraffes…?”

75 bottles of beer on the wall 75 bottles of beer, take one down, pass it around, 74 bottles of beer on the wall…

“…and did you hear about Harold down at the store? Well, he’s having an affair…”

67 bottles of beer on the wall 67 bottles of beer, take one down, pass it around, 66 bottles of beer…

“…With me!”

Wait…what?

“…I really do love the new fertilizer at the nursery, my petunias are flourishing!…”

53 bottles of beer on the wall 53 bottles of beer, take one down, pass it around, 52…

“…When I first moved to this town, I felt so welcomed by your parents, you really don’t know how great they are…”

31 bottles of beer on the wall, 31 bottles of beer, take one down…

“…But anyway, enough about me! How are you, Chelsey-dear?”

“22 bottles of beer on the—I uh, what? Oh, uh, I’m great, school is—”

“Oh my, look at the time! I have to go! It was good to hear about you!”

“I, uh…bye.”

I frantically rolled up the window before she came back to update me on the tea outfits she bought for her cats or something. I turned to my mom. “Who was that!?”

“I have no idea, honey.”